(The living room of Edgar and Mildred Furnald, middle-aged Midwest empty nesters. They sit on their well-worn Midwest sofa drinking coffee across a coffee table with Mark Zuckerberg.)

EDGAR: BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY MARTHA. WHO KNOWS WHO HE’LL TELL.

ZUCKERBERG: THAT’S WHY I’M HERE, EDGAR. I NOTICED YOU DELETED YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT. I’M AFRAID YOU FEEL I’VE BREACHED YOUR TRUST.

EDGAR: YOU’RE A REGULAR CARNAC, KID.

MILDRED: LOOK AT HIM, EDGAR. CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S SORRY?

EDGAR: ARE YOU SORRY?

ZUCKERBERG: IF NECESSARY.

EDGAR: NICE TALKING TO YOU.

(Edgar gets up and opens the door. As he walks he limps a bit. Zuckerberg types on his smartphone.)

EDGAR: WHY ARE YOU TYPING?

ZUCKERBERG: I THINK YOUR FRIENDS JERRY AND WILMA WOULD WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR BUM LEFT KNEE.

EDGAR: MY KNEE IS MY BUSINESS.

ZUCKERBERG (still typing): AND YOU, MILDRED. I’M SURE YOUR SON LARRY WOULD WANT TO KNOW YOU’VE LOST A FEW POUNDS. RIGHT, EDGAR?

EDGAR: I LIKED HER WITH MEAT ON HER BONES.

ZUCKERBERG: AND THE TWO OF YOU WOULD WANT TO KNOW THAT HAROLD AND ELSIE’S DAUGHTER CAME OUT AS A LESBIAN.

EDGAR: GOOD LORD.

MILDRED: I’VE GOT TO CALL ELSIE.

ZUCKERBERG: WHOOPS. YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT. FORGET ABOUT IT.

EDGAR: ANOTHER MISTAKE?

ZUCKERBERG: I’VE MADE ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT MISTAKES.

MARTHA: WE ALL HAVE.

ZUCKERBERG: COULD I USE YOUR BATHROOM?

MILDRED: OF COURSE. DOWN THE HALL ON THE RIGHT.

(Zuckerberg stands up quickly and knocks over the coffee table, breaking the coffee mugs. Then he’s gone.)

MILDRED: GOODNESS, HE MOVES SO FAST.

EDGAR: AND HE BREAKS THINGS.

(There’s a knock at the door. Edgar opens it and Romero, Edgar’s boss, walks in. He’s built like a linebacker.)

ROMERO (waving his smartphone): WHAT’S THIS ABOUT A BUM KNEE, FURNALD? YOU RUNNING SOME DISABILITY SCAM?

EDGAR: NOTHING’S WRONG WITH MY KNEE.

(The sound of breaking glass. Zuckerberg rushes in with a bloody white towel wrapped around his left hand.)

ZUCKERBERG: ABOUT THE MIRROR IN YOUR MEDICINE CABINET …

MILDRED: ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

ZUCKERBERG: DON’T WORRY. I PUT EVERYTHING BACK WHERE IT WAS. YOU’D NEVER KNOW I WAS THERE.

MILDRED: YOU LOOK KIND OF PALE. MAYBE YOU’D BETTER LIE DOWN. HELP HIM TO THE BEDROOM, EDGAR.

ROMERO: I’LL GIVE YOU A HAND. ON ACCOUNT OF YOUR … BUM KNEE, AND ALL.

(Edgar and Romero help Zuckerberg down the hall to the bedroom. There’s a knock on the door. Mildred opens it. Larry, the Furnald’s son, enters.)

LARRY: MOM, YOU HAVE A VAGINAL YEAST INFECTION?

MILDRED: LARRY. I’M YOUR MOTHER.

LARRY (waves his smartphone): WHY DO YOU HAVE VAGISIL IN YOUR MEDICINE CABINET?

(Mildred blushes.)

LARRY: YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.

MILDRED: IT WAS TWO YEARS AGO.

(Edgar and Romero return from the bedroom.)

LARRY: DAD?

EDGAR: LARRY?

LARRY (waving his smartphone): I HATE YOU FOR KEEPING MOM OVERWEIGHT BECAUSE YOU LIKE FAT WOMEN.

(Zuckerberg enters from the bedroom.)

EDGAR (pointing at Zuckerberg): BLAME HIM. YOUR MOTHR GETS ON FACEBOOK AND STUFFS HER FACE LIKE IT’S A THANKSGIVING TURKEY.

ZUCKERBERG: MILDRED, THE HEADBOARD IS FINE. YOU CAN HARDLY SEE THE GASH.

MILDRED: MY GRANDMOTHER’S HEADBOARD?

ZUCKERBERG: IT ALL HAPPENED SO FAST. I WANTED TO SEE WHY YOUR MATTRESS WAS LUMPY.

(There’s a knock on the door. Mr. DiCarlo a silver-haired gentleman enters.)

DICARLO: EDGAR, MILDRED.

EDGAR: ROMERO, THIS IS DICARLO, OUR BANKER.

ROMERO: HAS FURNALD BEEN MAKING ANY UNUSUAL DEPOSITS LATELY?

DICARLO: I’M HERE TO APOLOGIZE, EDGAR. I FEEL I’VE DONE SOMETHING TO BREACH YOUR TRUST.

EDGAR: IS THERE SOMETHING IN THE WATER?

DECARLO (waving his smartphone): WHY ELSE ARE YOU KEEPING CASH IN YOUR MATTRESS?

ROMERO: I KNEW IT.

ZUCKERBERG: THERE WILL ALWAYS BE CHALLENGES THAT I DON’T THINK ANYONE HAS ANTICIPATED BEFORE.

(As he exits through the front door the doorknob comes off in his hand.)