From men on the moon to Mark Zuckerberg wearing a tie, we’ve seen things on television we never thought we’d see. But here’s something we’ll never, ever see. And for good reason.
Who Wants to be a Millionaire: The Millennials Version.
REGIS: HERE’S OUR FIRST MILLENNIAL CONTESTANT, MELANIE KAPPALET FROM MANCHESTER, NEW HAMPSHIRE.
MELANIE: HELLO.
REGIS: NEW HAMPSHIRE. ARE YOU A SANDERS SUPPORTER?
MELANIE: NO. HE CAN GET HIS OWN JOB.
REGIS: I SEE.
MELANIE: DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS OUT THERE?
REGIS: I’VE HEARD IT’S VERY DIFFICULT. WHY DO YOU THINK THAT IS?
MELANIE: BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE JOBS WON’T GIVE THEM UP.
REGIS: OH, I DON’T KNOW. I’VE RETIRED 9 OR 10 TIMES.
MELANIE: I COULD DO YOUR JOB IF SOMEBODY GAVE ME THE CHANCE. I LIKE ASKING QUESTIONS.
REGIS: THERE’S A LITTLE MORE TO IT THAN THAT.
MELANIE: SERIOUSLY?
REGIS: WELL, LET’S FIND OUT. LET’S PLAY WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. THE FIRST QUESTION, WORTH $100…
MELANIE: WHAT? HOW DO I BECOME A MILLIONAIRE ON $100?
REGIS: YOU HAVE TO WORK YOUR WAY UP. WE START AT $100, THEN $200, AND EVENTUALLY A MILLION.
MELANIE: HOW LONG DOES THAT TAKE?
REGIS: SOMETIMES 2 OR 3 WEEKS.
MELANIE: THAT’S NOT WHAT’S ON FACEBOOK. THEY SAID THE SHOW IS HALF AN HOUR.
REGIS: WHO?
MELANIE: EVERYBODY. THIS IS SO WRONG.
REGIS: A HALF HOUR CAN GO BY PRETTY FAST. THOUGH I HAVE A FEELING NOT THIS ONE. OKAY, HERE’S YOUR QUESTION. (dramatic music) FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT DESCRIBED THIS AS A “DAY OF INFAMY.” WAS IT (A) THE BOMBING OF PEARL HARBOR; (B) THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT KENNEDY; (C) THE MOON LANDING; OR (D) THE SIGNING OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE?
(The music continues playing. Melanie shows no signs of life.)
REGIS: MELANIE, I’M GOING TO NEED AN ANSWER.
MELANIE: THE SIGNING OF THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE. I’VE HEARD OF THAT.
REGIS: D. IS THAT YOUR FINAL ANSWER?
MELANIE: IS IT WRONG?
REGIS: I CAN’T TELL YOU THAT.
MELANIE: YES YOU CAN. DON’T YOU HAVE THE ANSWER ON THAT LITTLE CARD YOU’RE HOLDING?
REGIS: I MEAN IT’S AGAINST THE RULES.
MELANIE: WELL, CAN’T YOU MAKE AN EXCEPTION? I’M SPECIAL.
REGIS: HA, HA. I DON’T THINK WE CAN DO THAT.
MELANIE: THEN LET’S GO TO THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION.
REGIS: I NEED AN ANSWER FIRST.
MELANIE: PRIME BEFORE YOU PREP.
REGIS: THAT’S NOT ONE OF THE CHOICES.
MELANIE: IT IS TO MY QUESTION. HOW DO YOU TAKE A KILLER SELFIE?
REGIS: I GET TO ASK THE QUESTIONS.
MELANIE: BUT I TOLD YOU I COULD DO IT.
REGIS: WOULD YOU LIKE TO USE YOUR LIFELINE? USUALLY CONTESTANTS DON’T DO THAT ON THE FIRST QUESTION, BUT…
MELANIE: …I’M SPECIAL.
REGIS: AT THIS POINT I THINK EVERYONE WOULD AGREE WITH THAT.
MELANIE: I WANT JENNIFER.
REGIS: I HOPE SHE GOT AN A IN HISTORY.
MELANIE: WE ALL DID.
REGIS: OKAY. LET’S GET JENNIFER ON THE PHONE.
MELANIE: WE TEXT. I DON’T THINK SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE.
REGIS: WE REALLY NEED TO TALK TO HER.
MELANIE: YOU’LL HAVE TO LEAVE HER VOICEMAIL.
REGIS: I HATE TO ASK, BUT IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE?
MELANIE: MY MOTHER.
REGIS: AND SHE’LL ANSWER THE PHONE?
MELANIE: YES. AND WHEN SHE DOES, ASK HER HOW SMART I AM, HOW HER LITTLE SNOWFLAKE CAN ANSWER ALL THESE QUESTIONS, AND HOW YOU SHOULD JUST GIVE ME THE TWO MILLION DOLLARS.
REGIS: IT’S A MILLION DOLLARS.
MELANIE: I’VE BEEN HERE 10 MINUTES AND IT’S STILL A MILLION?
The screen goes dark as Regis uses his lifeline.
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Funny! I envisioned the whole thing. A definite share.
Hi Robbie…
Thank you. And thanks for sharing the story. However, I wonder if I will ever be able to step into a classroom of Millennials again. Do they still stone people to death (and I don’t mean stone in the 60s sense)?
— jay