There are 75 million people in the United States between the ages of 18 and 35 and almost all of them believe their careers are developing much too slowly.

After graduating from college, these eager young men and women are finding themselves facing a long, grueling, soul-sapping slog that frustrates their attaining the leadership position they crave.

The presidency of the United States.

That’s because, as they learned in school, the Constitution requires U.S. presidents to be at least 35 years of age.

(Some of them also learned you don’t need a passport to travel to New Mexico, but that’s less important because there’s no age restriction on being secretary of state.)

I’ll be the first to admit that 35 is a totally random number made up by the Founding Fathers, probably related to the average life expectancy in their day, which was 36.

There are historians who believe it was Madison, himself, who said that if you made it to 35, and weren’t running for office from your death bed, chances are you learned enough about life to be president.

(Others attribute the remark to Hamilton, but personally I would not trust anything he had to say about life expectancy.)

Among young people, however, the Founding Fathers belong to ancient history, just like the Pleistocene Age, slow dancing, and Pearl Harbor. These eager young people cannot imagine what difference the years between 18 and 35 will make.

“What’s the point of waiting if I’m going to be president anyway?” is the rallying cry of impatient women and men who scoff at spending years acquiring the necessary job skills.

“I won the clean plate award at summer camp even though I hated broccoli,” one nineteen-year-old was heard to say. “Doesn’t that make me special enough?”

Apparently it does, because a highly visible figure in American life agrees with them. This icon of American tradition recently bought a full-page ad in The New York Times to urge all Americans to support our up-and-coming generation by amending the Constitution and striking the over-35 clause. Who is this person whose very appearance reeks of American values?

Captain Morgan.

You know, the pirate who can’t stand upright without resting his foot on a keg of rum.

Yes, Captain Morgan believes young men and women in this country can be charged with the awesome responsibility of being president as soon as they are charged with the awesome responsibility of buying spiced rum.

While some might write him off as a stage mother, looking to accomplish through poor, unsuspecting waifs what he could not achieve himself—the real Captain Morgan was born in Wales—he does share an important quality with many of our presidents that affords him a certain credibility.

He, too, died wealthy.

“Because, frankly, you deserve it,” Captain Morgan says in his ad. Dead or not, the sly devil knows his code words for communicating with the under-35 set. While they might not resonate with you and me, those five words stand for everything that makes the presidency worth striving for:

• there’s no data cap on your smartphone;
• nothing in the Constitution prohibits a president from showing tats and piercings;
• ending the Kanye West/Taylor Swift feud makes you eligible for a Nobel Peace prize;
• if it’s not for you there’s no early termination fee.

Of course, given the years it takes to amend the Constitution, today’s 18-year-olds will probably be 35 by the time the restriction is lifted. Call me cynical, but I suspect the Captain knows all that.

My guess is he’s satisfied proclaiming, “This great nation will live in the past no more!” then leaning on his keg of rum and watching the under-35 set drink it all in.