(A Q&A session with the president in the offices of FEMA, the Federal Emergency Management Agency.)
PRESIDENT: As you know, we’ve been having a very bad run of weather lately. Very bad. Rain. Snow. Wind. The other day I played golf at Mar-a-Lago and there was a cloud in the sky. This is bad for bringing tourists to America who would otherwise stay in some of my…our…finer hotels and resorts. These are good tourists. Nice people. They love America. And they have been extremely vetted by American Express.
FEMA DIRECTOR: How can we help you, Sir?
PRESIDENT: Let’s face it. As emergency management people, you’re not doing a good job of managing emergencies. You let ’em happen when and where they want to. So, you’re all fired.
DIRECTOR: Sir, we don’t control the weather.
PRESIDENT: That’s why I’m replacing you with someone who does. Al Roker.
WOMAN: He’s a TV weather man.
PRESIDENT: I am the least anti-Black person in this room. Also…from now on…all of Al’s forecasts will be for fair weather.
DIRECTOR: Sir, I don’t think going on network television and saying it will be sunny and warm will make it sunny and warm.
PRESIDENT: Yes it will.
DIRECTOR: There’ll always bad weather somewhere.
PRESIDENT: California. But nowhere else. And, if you get a call from California, you can’t go.
WOMAN: We can’t go anyway. We’re fired.
PRESIDENT: You’re hired again.
WOMAN: Then I think we’re obligated to go.
PRESIDENT: You won’t get past the wall.
WOMAN: What wall?
PRESIDENT: Don’t worry. They’ll pay for it. Today…I am announcing…a 35-percent tax…on any movies entering the country from California.
DIRECTOR: Sir, Mr. Roker has, at various times, predicted fair weather and it rained.
PRESIDENT: Those are all fake weather reports. What I’m offering America is alternate weather reports which, by the way, will be made in America, by Americans. When I found out that CNN was reporting weather from Europe, I told them they’d better move that weather back to the United States. Or else. Today…I’m happy to announce…that CNN…will be making its weather reports…in Atlanta…where, by the way I got 112% of the vote. We will build…a new weather report complex…the Trump Weather Report Tower and Spa…with a hundred million dollars in tax incentives and government grants…paid for…by charging more for official meetings…at Mar-a-Lago. America will…once again…be the leader…in alternate weather reports.
(He purses his lips, looks around, and thinks.)
PRESIDENT: By this time next year…there will be…a million American jobs…in alternate weather reports. Our weather…will be…the envy of the world.
MAN: That’s totally unscientific.
PRESIDENT: Science, schmiance. As your president, I am authorized by the Constitution. The part where it says you shall have dominion over the earth—which is another name for real estate.
MAN: You’re talking about the Old Testament.
PRESIDENT: I’m also the least anti-Semetic person in the room.
MAN: Dominion over the earth comes from the Bible, not the Constitution.
PRESIDENT: What’s in the Constitution is for a judge to decide. Except in California. Today…I will be issuing…an executive order…for it to rain in California…for forty days and forty nights. And just so there won’t be any more confusion…every minister and priest in the United States…is now a federal judge. There. I’ve just created a million more jobs.
(He tweets this.)
DIRECTOR: Mr. President, I’m afraid when this news gets out there’s going to be a big commotion.
(Pursing his lips, the president looks left and right and left again.)
PRESIDENT: I’ll announce a cabinet appointment.
WOMAN: There are no openings in your cabinet.
PRESIDENT: (tweeting) Full employment in 30 days. PROMISE KEPT.
(As he continues with the meeting, storm clouds form over Washington.)
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Doug, I barely have time to breathe this morning with all the chaos and people and packing up to go to the house in Malibu, but your title was so provocative, I just had to take the time to read it. It’s brilliant! YOu got his ‘voice’ and it is so clever and ‘almost’ funny, it it weren;’t so terrifying! Thank you. See you tomorrow.
Hi Bryna…
I’m glad you took some time out to read the story. Your comments (especially the part about its being brilliant) prompted me to read it again. Now I’m terrified, too.
— jay
Great analysis for out upcoming weather salvation coming from out beloved dictat…. ur… I mean… president. Thanks for NOT presenting fake news.
Hi Nick…
I pride myself in thoroughly researching everything I write about. However, in case anything I wrote in this story is inaacurate, I was not at the president’s Q&A myself. I read about it.
On a bathroom wall.
But I’m sure it’s okay because whoever wrote it had nice penmanship. Also, he signed it with a smiley face.
— jay