MALE VOICEOVER: THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT FOR MEN 50 YEARS OF AGE AND OLDER WHO ARE LIVING WITH THE PAIN AND SUFFERING OF SHINY SHINS. THIS INCLUDES A RELUCTANCE TO WEAR SHORTS IN THE SUMMER, CONSTANT TEASING ABOUT HOOKING UP FOR SHUFFLEBOARD FROM YOUR LOCKER ROOM BUDDIES, AND HOT WOMEN AT THE BEACH USING YOUR SHINS TO FIX THEIR MAKEUP.

IF THIS HAS HAPPENED TO YOU, THE LAW OFFICES OF FIBBER MCGEE AND MOLLY WANT YOU TO KNOW THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE. WE ARE HERE TO SEE THAT YOU ARE COMPENSATED FAIRLY FOR YOUR PAIN AND SUFFERING BY TAKING LEGAL ACTION ON YOUR BEHALF AGAINST THE MANUFACTURERS OF SOCKS, TROUSERS, WORK BOOTS, SKI BOOTS, AND TIGHT JEANS, ALTHOUGH IF YOU LOOK LIKE A SEXY TANGO DANCER IN TIGHT JEANS YOU MIGHT WANT TO GIVE THEM A PASS.

THOUSANDS OF DOCUMENTS CONFIRM THAT THE AFOREMENTIONED ARTICLES OF WEARING APPAREL ARE THE LEADING CAUSE OF SHINY SHINS IN HEALTHY, ADULT MALES—IF YOU DON’T COUNT HEREDITY AND SOME PRETTY SERIOUS DISEASES LIKE DIABETES AND CONGESTIVE HEART FAILURE.

THAT’S WHY WE’LL SUE YOUR PARENTS, TOO.

IN ADDITION TO MONETARY DAMAGES, WE WILL ASK THE COURT TO REQUIRE ALL POTENTIALLY HARMFUL ARTICLES OF CLOTHING TO CARRY WARNING LABELS ABOUT THE RISKS AND DANGERS OF SHINY SHINS. WE MIGHT EVEN ASK FOR LABELS ON PARENTS.

MAJOR CLOTHING MANUFACTURERS HAVE MOUNTED A CAMPAIGN ON SOCIAL MEDIA IN WHICH THEY PROMISE TO, QUOTE, SUE THE PANTS OFF ANYONE WHO INITIATES SUCH MALICIOUS PROSECUTION, UNQUOTE.

DON’T BE INTIMIDATED.

THESE COMPANIES ARE ONLY TRYING TO DEFLECT ATTENTION FROM THE FACT THAT THEY COULD HAVE LOOKED ALL THIS UP ON THE INTERNET.

THAT’S WHERE WE FOUND THOSE THOUSANDS OF DOCUMENTS. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAID?

IT IS TOO LATE FOR BIG COMPANIES TO USE THE COURTS TO FORCE YOU TO TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.

DESPITE MEDICAL ADVANCES IN HIDING PROMINENT SIGNS OF AGING, SUCH AS REPLACING BIFOCALS WITH PROGRESSIVE LENSES, TRANSPLANTING SCALP HAIR  FROM WHERE YOU DON’T NEED IT TO WHERE YOU DO, AND BANNING THE PHRASE “SENILE FRECKLES” WHEN TALKING ABOUT LIVER SPOTS, THERE IS NO KNOWN CURE FOR SHINY SHINS. THERE ISN’T EVEN A HAIR CLUB FOR SHINS. YOU WILL HAVE TO SUFFER WITH YOUR AFFLICTION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

(Dissolve to the logo of the Law Offices of Fibber McGee and Molly—a gold circle inside of which are two men flanking a woman—also on a black background. Underneath the logo is the toll-free phone number. We cannot see if the men are wearing pants.)

MALE VOICEOVER: IF YOU, OR A MALE LOVED ONE, SUFFER FROM THE HUMILIATION OF KNOWING THAT NO WOMAN WILL EVER WANT TO SEE YOU NAKED AGAIN, PLEASE CALL THE LAW OFFICES OF FIBBER MCGEE AND MOLLY AT THE NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN.

A TRAINED REPRESENTATIVE WILL DISCUSS YOUR CASE AND DETERMINE IF WE CAN HELP. THERE IS NO OBLIGATION AND, IF WE TAKE YOUR CASE, THERE IS NO NEED TO SEND US MONEY. JUST PICTURES. FROM THE KNEES DOWN ONLY, PLEASE. AT THE LAW OFFICES OF FIBBER MCGEE AND MOLLY, WE GET PAID WHEN YOU GET PAID.

(As the announcer delivers the closing sentence dissolve to the fine print, which is only visible for three-quarters of a second.)

MALE VOICEOVER:  REMEMBER, NOBODY CAN PUT HAIR ON YOUR SHINS, BUT WE CAN PUT MONEY IN YOUR WALLET. CALL THE LAW OFFICES OF FIBBER MCGEE AND MOLLY TODAY.