As I write these words, the United States is feeling the grip of the ugliest part of winter.
February Sweeps month.
Every February, May, August and November, Nielsen measures the audiences of all the television stations in the country. Stations use these ratings to set the price of commercials in their local newscasts.
Local news is to television stations what banks were to Willie Sutton. A great place to pick up cash. So naturally, sweeps month is the time television stations pull out all the stops to attract viewers. Here in Los Angeles, that means trading in stories about gang activity and political corruption for ones about married men frequenting local gentlemen’s clubs.
With cameras rolling, reporters peer into every nook and cranny looking for married men. Sometimes, the cameras look also look around the club. On those days when gentlemen’s clubs are being used by competing stations, reporters have to spread out and, with cameras rolling, find something else to investigate.
Because they are cheap and plentiful, ordinary citizens are a good choice.
What could be more riveting than watching your neighbors committing unconscionable crimes, including smoking too close to a building entrance, letting a dog off the leash before entering the dog park or washing a car during a drought.
(The tape rolls, and there’s Leo Fizzcue standing in his driveway washing his 1999 Toyota Camry. He is overweight, bald and not wearing a shirt.)
BOMBAST: EXCUSE ME, SIR, FRANKLIN BOMBAST, INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER FOR CHANNEL 19 NEWS, DO YOU KNOW THAT’S ILLEGAL?
FIZZCUE: (Showing shock and surprise) IF MRS. PEERBLUSTER IS COMPLAINING AGAIN TELL HER THE MISSUS LIKES ME BARE CHESTED AND TO STOP LOOKIN’ AT ME WITH THEM BINOCULARS.
BOMBAST: WHAT’S YOUR NAME?
FIZZCUE: LEO FIZZCUE.
BOMBAST: MR. FIZZCUE, HERE IT IS, 3 IN THE AFTERNOON, AND YOU’RE WASHING YOUR CAR.
FIZZCUE: WELL, I LIKE TO TAKE MY TIME.
BOMBAST: DURING A DROUGHT.
FIZZCUE: WELL, SEE, THAT’S WHAT I TOLD THE MISSUS. BUT, SEEING’S HOW HER MOTHER JUST PASSED AND WE’RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE OL’ BETSY HERE TO THE FUNERAL IN AN HOUR, SHE KINDA MADE A BIG DEAL OUT OF THE WHOLE THING.
BOMBAST: (Interrupting) AND THAT’S YOUR EXCUSE FOR BREAKING THE LAW? DEATH?
FIZZCUE: (He shrugs) ACCORDING TO THE MISSUS, SHE WOULDN’T BE CAUGHT DEAD AT A FUNERAL GETTIN’ IN AND OUT OF A DIRTY CAR.
BOMBAST: LOOK AROUND, MR. FIZZCUE. ALL YOUR NEIGHBORS HAVE DIRTY CARS. WHAT DOES THAT SAY TO YOU?
FIZZCUE: WELL, NOBODY INVITED THEM TO THE FUNERAL. NOT THAT THEY WERE BIG FANS OF MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. A REAL WITCH. ALWAYS YELLING AND COMPLAININ’.
BOMBAST: HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOUR NEIGHBOR USED HER MOTHER’S DEATH AS AN EXCUSE TO LOOK AT YOU THROUGH BINOCULARS?
FIZZCUE: WELL, I WOULDN’T PUT A PILLOW OVER HER FACE, THAT’S FOR SURE. I WAS HOPIN’ MY MOTHER-IN-LAW WAS GONNA SUFFER, BUT AT THE LAST MINUTE SHE STOPPED CLAWING AT IT AND WENT QUIETLY OFF TO MEET HER MAKER.
(The segment ends as Fizzcue picks up the hose and finishes washing his car. We return to the studio.)
BOMBAST: NEEDLESS TO SAY, WE’LL BE KEEPING AN EYE ON MR. FIZZCUE TO SEE IF HE HAS LEARNED HIS LESSON ABOUT WASTING WATER. THIS IS FRANKLIN BOMBAST FOR THE CHANNEL 19 NEWS.
Channel 19 handily wins the in the ratings against the other stations, whose important stories were Does Pepto Bismol really have to be pink; and Craigslist or the LA Weekly—which has the better escort ads?
Channel 51 comes in last with a story about why so many of LA’s crimes are never reported in the media.
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So it’s not just a sudden increase in weirdness that’s reported on the February news. Good to know.
Hi Nick…
If you make it through the next few days you’ll be safe until Cinco de Mayo.