(The office of a Baby Boomer pediatrician near you…unless you live where there’s no internet and no cable TV.)

DOCTOR: YOU DIDN’T GO TO THE DIAPERING CLASS.

MISTY: NO.

DOCTOR: AND YOU DIDN’T ASK YOUR MOTHER.

MISTY: EWWWW…

DOCTOR: ARE YOU CLOSE TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER?

MISTY: GRANDMA ON SNAPCHAT? HASH TAG NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

DOCTOR: SO YOU’RE GETTING ALL THIS FROM…?

(Misty holds up her smartphone.)

MISTY: HELLO, DOCTOR. TWITTER. HASH TAG KEEP UP.

DOCTOR: I’M NOT SURE THAT’S THE BEST PLACE TO GET INFORMATION ON DISPOSABLE DIAPERS.

MISTY: HASH TAG MEDIA BIAS.

DOCTOR: FOR EXAMPLE, THEY’RE NOT ALL MADE BY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS…

MISTY: HASH TAG FOX NEWS…

DOCTOR: AND ABOUT DISPOSABLE DIAPERS KILLING WHALES…

MISTY: YES…?

DOCTOR: JUST HOW DO THEY DO THAT?

MISTY: THEY JUST DO. IT’S TOO COMPLICATED TO EXPLAIN IN 140 CHARACTERS.

DOCTOR: I SEE…LET’S FORGET ABOUT DISPOSABLE DIAPERS. MANY NEW MOTHERS ARE RETURNING TO CLOTH DIAPERS.

(Misty types into her phone. After a few screen swipes she looks up at the doctor.)

MISTY: EWWWW…

DOCTOR (chuckles): YES, WELL, IT’S NOT AS BAD AS ALL THAT.

MISTY: IT TAKES 100 GALLONS OF WATER TO WASH A SINGLE DIAPER…

DOCTOR: MAYBE IF YOU TAKE IT TO A CAR WASH.

(Misty holds up the phone again, this time so the doctor can read it.)

MISTY: AND THERE’S A DROUGHT.

DOCTOR: WHO IS @FLUFFANDFOLDWIZARD69?

MISTY: EVERYONE FOLLOWS HER.

DOCTOR: I CAN RECOMMEND SOME DIAPER SERVICES THAT ARE VERY ENVIRONMENTALLY CONSCIOUS. PERHAPS YOU COULD PASS IT ALONG TO…AT FLUFF AND…I’VE SORT OF LOST TRACK.

MISTY: HASH TAG SO BEHIND THE TIMES. WHAT ABOUT ALL THOSE MOTHERS BEING POISONED?

DOCTOR: YOU MEAN BLOOD POISONING FROM STICKING THEMSELVES WITH A PIN? I’VE NEVER SEEN THAT HAPPEN. UH…HASH TAG.

MISTY: HASH TAG FREE TRADE. CHINESE SAFETY PINS ARE TIPPED WITH POISON.

DOCTOR: IS THAT FROM HASH TAG FLUFF WHATEVER?

MISTY: FOX NEWS. HASH TAG I DECIDE.

DOCTOR: THEN DECIDE ON WHETHER HE’S GOING TO WEAR DISPOSABLE DIAPERS OR A CLOTH DIAPERS.

MISTY: HASH TAG POOR CUSTOMER SERVICE. HASH TAG YELP.

DOCTOR: YOU CAN’T LET YOUR SON RUN AROUND NAKED FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE. FOR ONE THING, IT’S A PUBLIC HEALTH HAZARD. AND, FOR ANOTHER, HE CAN GET ONE HELL OF A SUNBURN.

MISTY: HASH TAG HATES NATURE.

DOCTOR: CLOTH DIAPERS ARE MADE FROM COTTON. THAT’S NATURAL.

MISTY: HASH TAG WHAT THEY WON’T TELL YOU. BABIES DIE FROM DIAPER RASH.

DOCTOR: HASH TAG. YOUR FRIEND FLUFFY STUFFY IS ILL INFORMED.

(The doctor gets up and opens his office door.)

DOCTOR: NURSE JORDAN, WOULD YOU COME IN HERE?

(Nurse Jordan enters. She wears neon yellow fashion scrubs complemented by Tom’s.)

NURSE: YES, DOCTOR?

DOCTOR: MISTY, HERE…

NURSE: MORE DIAPERING CONFUSION?

DOCTOR: WOULD YOU…?

NURSE: NOT A PROBLEM.

(She leaves and closes the door behind her.)

DOCTOR: NOW, THEN, MISTY…

(Misty’s phone dings. She looks at it.)

MISTY: EEEK. @FLUFFANDFOLDWIZARDDOESNTKNOWEVERYTHING SAYS THE WHALES ARE SAFE.

DOCTOR: IS THAT SO?

MISTY: HASH TAG OMG.

DOCTOR: IT NEVER HURTS TO GET A SECOND OPINION, AS WE DOCTORS SAY. I’LL HAVE NURSE JORDAN GET YOU SOME DISPOSABLE DIAPER SAMPLES…

(There’s a soft putt, putt, putt sound from the direction of Misty’s son.)

DOCTOR: …RIGHT AWAY.

(Fifteen minutes later. Misty has left the building. The doctor holds Nurse Jordan’s cell phone.)

DOCTOR: THANK YOU…MISS FLUFF AND FOLD WIZARD DOESN’T KNOW EVERYTHING.

NURSE: HASH TAG GET USED TO IT.

(The Doctor sighs and sits down at his desk. He opens up a copy of Dr. Spock’s Baby and Child Care, and seems lost in reverie.)