PRESIDENT: I am here today…to say goodbye…to all of you.

(Suddenly, the room looks like a cellphone forest. In the din of voices it’s impossible to tell one question from another.)

PRESIDENT: Tomorrow, the only reporters allowed in the room will be from TNN.

(Everything freezes. The room is eerily quiet.)

MSNBC: I don’t believe The Nashville Network has a news staff.

PRESIDENT: Who?

MSNBC: TNN. The Nashville Network.

PRESIDENT: TNN. The Trump News Network. Today…I am announcing…the formation of an all-Trump news network.

THE GUARDIAN: I say, Sir, we Brits thought that’s what your American media already is.

PRESIDENT: You can all come back if you want to work for TNN. Sean will be taking applications on your way out. But only from women. And, from now on, Nashville starts with a G. G-N-A-S-H-ville.

CNN: Your news reporters will only be women?

PRESIDENT: No. No, no, no, no, no. Only hot women. Also, they have to look good in bikinis. If they don’t, the words “Fat Loser” will appear under their pictures if they ask a question.

MSNBC: That’s so sexist it’s ludicrous.

PRESIDENT: I love women. Women are beautiful. Nobody loves women more than I do. Also they have to be hot without face lifts.

(He purses his lips and looks around the room.)

PRESIDENT: Good. She’s not here. I hate the sight of blood.

(A perky young blonde in a 1940’s reporter-style trench coat stands up.)

CRYSTAL: Yoo, hoo. Your Highness?

PRESIDENT: Yes?

CRYSTAL: I’m Crystal, and I graduated from Trump University with a degree in journalism. Can I join TNN?

(She drops her coat to reveal she is wearing a very revealing bikini.)

PRESIDENT: I don’t know. What are your qualifications?

CRYSTAL: I’m not fake news.

(She jiggles her breasts.)

CRYSTAL: And, I thought of a slogan. Trump News. We have nothing to hide.

PRESIDENT: By the way, and you’re going to like this, the slogan for TNN is Trump News. We have nothing to hide. I thought of that myself.

NYTIMES: I think I speak for everyone in this room when I say there are no words to describe this.

PRESIDENT: I’m president.

NYTIMES: I know. But…

PRESIDENT: Those are the words.

CNN: Just so we get this straight. You’re starting a cable news network in which the news will be reported by bikini-clad women?

PRESIDENT: No.

CNN: Well, then, could you clarify…?

PRESIDENT: The five swimsuit finalists will report the news as part of the talent competition, while they’re doing gymnastics or playing the ukulele. In evening gowns. And the winner has to answer a question about the greatest tragedy in her life or how she feels about working for me.

(He purses his lips and looks around again.)

PRESIDENT: Those are two different questions.

MSNBC: It sounds as if this is a crass attempt to get even with NBC and the Miss Universe contest.

PRESIDENT: Everyone knows a beauty queen is the second-most believable person in the world.

CNN: Could you cite the research on that?

PRESIDENT: My cabinet said so.

CNN: Your cabinet said a beauty queen is the second most believable person in the world?

PRESIDENT: They said I’m the most believable. I figured out the beauty queen part myself.

CRYSTAL: So do I get the job?

PRESIDENT: I’ll have to interview you personally, so you can tell me all about myself. Did you know I have an oval office?

(Crystal giggles.)

PRESIDENT: If you have any more questions you can ask Sean. I last saw him in the Rose Garden, but he has a five-minute head start.