There may be debates about this country’s ability to compete in so many industries these days. We buy steel from China, shoes from Italy, cars from Germany, and electronics from South Korea.

But just when we need an innovation with Made in U.S.A. stamped all over it, an international inventor reminds us that there is yet another industry in which we’re losing our lead.

Innovative methods of committing suicide.

I’m talking about the EatFamous burger. It’s the product of Johnny Prassoulis, founder owner, and chef of Holy Chuck Burgers in Toronto, Canada.

Prassoulis seems like a decent guy. There’s even a vegan burger on his restaurant’s menu, which says to me he and his people have a deep respect for human well-being.

However, if I were the State of Oregon I’d be lobbying the government to beef up (no pun intended) security before some Canadian minister goes rogue and starts shipping these burgers south of the border.

Oregon includes some of the most beautiful scenery in our country, and drifting off to eternity with one last look at berry vines or the confluence of the Columbia and 
Willamette Rivers is undoubtedly one reason it’s the go-to state for assisted suicide.

But why travel all the way to Oregon if you can pick up an EatFamous burger at your local Walmart and drift off to The Travel Channel?

I’m sure Prassoulis had none of this on his mind when he created the burger.

“Sometimes people come up with recipies by accident,” my friend James, a newly-minted EatFamous Burger apologist, explained to me.

“There’s the story of a famous chef who accidentally dropped a roast in coffee grounds. So he rubbed the rest of it in coffee grounds, roasted it, and it turned out to be a hit.”

Yes, James. That’s an accident. This burger, though, is a 14-car pileup.

To give you some idea of the burger’s lethal potential, the EatFamous burger doesn’t come neatly sandwiched between two halves of a bun.

At least not a bun as we know it.

Instead, its heart-stopping power is nestled between two wheels of Brie that have been coated with panko before being deep fried.

But when you hear what’s between the bun halves you’ll realize that you must never allow it to be consumed by any living human person over the age of eight.

Assuming you live past the fried Brie, which Prassoulis calls gooey goodness, you’ll be hit with—and I swear, I am taking this verbatim from the internet so you know it’s correct—four burger patties, eight strips of bacon, four slices of aged cheddar, maple syrup, and fried egg.

I believe the maple syrup is there to preserve your vital organs until the autopsy.

As a writer I felt I owed it to you, my reader, to check with a doctor about the threat posed by an EatFamous Burger.

Her exact words were, “Are you sure this is real? It sounds like a plot line from a James Bond movie.”

I assured her the threat was real. She smiled and mumbled something about a car dealer, her lunch hour, and a new BMW.

I also think she giggled.

Let’s not take any chances. Remember, Einstein didn’t think E=mc2 would amount to anything more than a question on a physics exam. Remind the president that he won on a platform of overhauling Nafta to protect Americans.

Tell him to when it comes to importing EatFamous burgers, we’re dead set against it.