(A small, second-grade classroom in an old schoolhouse. The walls are covered with the usual second-grade artwork, but everything is in both Spanish and English. The students are scrubbed and polished because today they’re hosting a special guest: Donald Trump. He is accompanied by his daughter Ivanka and his acting chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney. The president sits in front of the class while two Secret Service agents stand quietly off to the side. María, all of seven and adorable as can be, hands Trump a bouquet of flowers. He beams.)
MARÍA: These are yucca flowers.
TRUMP: Thank you, dear. They’re lovely. And, so are you. You’re very pretty. I’m sure people tell you that all the time.
(She giggles and blushes.)
Can I give you a kiss? Of course I can give you a kiss. When you’re famous you can kiss anyone you want.
(Trump leans forward. His lips zero in on hers.)
IVANKA: (tugs at his sleeve and whispers) Daddy…
(Trump re-aims and kisses María on the cheek. It’s less than a sloppy wet kiss but more than a peck.)
TRUMP: And let me say that you’re going to grow up to be a lovely flower vendor. Lots of your people are flower vendors in the United States. But none are as pretty as you.
TEACHER: Señor Presidente…Mr. President, we have prepared a little story for you.
TRUMP: I love stories. Who loves stories?
(All the children raise their hands.)
I tell stories all the time. Did you ever hear the story about the two lawyers and the Playboy model who walk into a bar…
IVANKA: (tugs at his sleeve and whispers) Daddy…
TEACHER: Niños.
(Miguel and Elizabeth come to the front of the room. Miguel takes charge of projecting a PowerPoint presentation as Elizabeth narrates.)
ELIZABETH: Between 1540 and 1542, Spanish explorer Francisco Vázquez de Coronado y Luján came here looking for the mythical Seven Cities of Gold. In 1680, the Pueblo Indians fought the Spanish and chased them away for a while. The Pueblos lived in houses made of sandstone, water, straw and clay also called pueblos. Today, the word pueblo can mean a house, the Pueblo Indians or a style of…
(She stumbles over the word.)
…ark-a-tekker.
(As Elizabeth speaks, Miguel switches slides, finishing on a picture of a Pueblo village.)
ELIZABETH: The pueblos in this village are over 900 years old. Thank you.
(The class applauds. Miguel and Elizabeth take their bows.)
TEACHER: Buen trabajo Miguel y Elizabeth…very nice.
TRUMP: I’m really glad I’m here to see this, okay. Here’s why you are not a great country.
(Ivanka and Mick exchange worried looks.)
You don’t leave valuable real estate sitting for 900 years with only a few houses on it. We would never do that. You knock them down and put up a couple of sixty-eight-story towers. Well, first you find out what the zoning laws are, then you ask for a thirty-percent variance, which is going to lower the property values all around, so you can pick up that land cheap. For the golf course.
MIGUEL: Señor Presidente. People still live there.
TRUMP: So you double the rent every six months.
IVANKA: (tugs at his sleeve and whispers) Daddy…
TRUMP: (whispering) Your grandfather would have tripled it.
(He looks at the class.)
And, if those houses are rent controlled you can always find a loophole. Do you know what a loophole is?
(Blank looks.)
No? What are they teaching kids these days?
(The adults chuckle politely. Taking their cues from the adults, the kids laugh.)
TRUMP: They love me. And I love them. Nobody loves kids more than me. Everybody knows that.
MULVANEY: I think it’s time to go, Mr. President.
(Trump turns to the class.)
TRUMP: How many of you want to grow up to be murderers and rapists?
IVANKA: (kicks his chair and whispers) Daddy…
TRUMP: Now if you were Guatemalans…
MULVANEY: Sir, you’re needed back at the White House.
TRUMP: See, kids? That’s what happens when you’re the most important man in the world. You don’t have any fun. You’re better off being maids or a farm workers. Trust me, trust me.
(Mulvaney nods to the Secret Service agents. They escort Trump toward the door.)
I have to say that between old Mexico and new Mexico, I like new Mexico better.
(Ivanka and Mulvaney hang back.)
IVANKA: Don’t worry, Daddy’s base won’t care.
MULVANEY: Yeah, we can spin it. Lots of people don’t know New Mexico is a state.
IVANKA: I mean that he almost gave the flower girl a hickey.
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terrific satire, Jay. Lots of insights into a very nasty mind… but as one of my neighbors keeps telling me, “After all, he IS our president.” Yeah right. Hopefully we can remedy that sad situation.
Love it! Spot on.