We all know that America is the land of opportunity, although not many people take advantage of the opportunities available to them. Since there is always the chance this post will fall into the wrong hands and I will be mistaken for a role model, I will take advantage of a new opportunity as I write this post.

Never before have I written anything with a lawyer sitting at my side.

His name is Ed, and I need him to advise me on certain matters of intellectual property and trademark law when it comes to my inviting you to a very big party. Unfortunately, I can’t tell you the party’s name. Remember that scene in Concussion where Albert Brooks’ character says that the NFL owns a day of the week?

It also owns the dictionary.

The NFL is very protective of words and phrases relating to football. For example, the NFL is in court fighting with people who use the phrase “Who dat?” because it is also used by New Orleans Saints fans. According to the NFL, that makes “Who dat?” their intellectual property.

And you shouldn’t use someone else’s intellectual property without permission any more than you should use their deodorant sticks without asking “Should I use the men’s or women’s?”

That’s why I need Ed.

(I did some research and New Orleans Saints fans also use the words “Hey, beer man,” “Don’t piss on the lawn,“ and “What is it tonight, honey, another headache?” Just so you know.)

On Ed’s recommendation, I have to avoid any words the NFL might lay claim to, especially when it comes to a party for that big game whose name sounds like a place you’d take a date in the 1950s. So, this is your official invitation to my Supergirl party.

Hear that, NFL? Supergirl. We’re going to watch Supergirl episodes.

I chose Supergirl because National City looks an awful lot like San Francisco. Ed has two expert witnesses, both with Ph.D.s and 20/20 eyesight, who will swear they have confused the Golden Gate Bridge with a National City highway overpass during several of their travels.

Naturally, there will be lots of snacks at my party, but not the kind we would have if we were watching…you know. Those snacks that look like Buffalo wings? They’re National City wings. Ed says Supergirl has a pair pinned to her chest.

And what looks like chips and guacamole?

That’s really chips and kryptonite. By the way, if anyone asks, kryptonite is hard to mash up. Also, you should put some lemon juice on it to keep it from turning brown, especially if you make it the night before.

According to Ed, we’re within our legal rights to yell, “Score, score,” as long as we have proof we are acting out our latent Supergirl fantasies, which have nothing with moving the…you know, over the…end thing. Ed suggests you bring the results of a recent testosterone level blood test.

I hope you can make it to my Supergirl party. Unfortunately, Ed doesn’t want me tell you my address. This is not his legal opinion. Ed is my neighbor and he doesn’t want 100 people parking in his front yard and pissing on his lawn.

He’d rather I took you bowling.

PS: Ed is not his real name.