(We’re on the set at QVC, the home shopping channel. It looks like a typical suburban backyard, if you ignore the hundreds of bags of concrete piled everywhere. Also out of place is a six-foot by four-foot by three-feet tall wooden frame that’s about 7/8ths full of wet concrete.

On the set are Joey and Sonia. He’s a typical suburban husband, if typical suburban husbands wear wide-pinstriped black suits with bulges under their left breast pockets. She is a typical suburban housewife, if typical suburban housewives look like mail-order brides from Russia. In her short pencil skirt and tight cashmere sweater she shows off a figure to die for. Which is what would happen to any typical suburban husband who hit on her.)

JOEY: Hi. I’m Joey…

SONYA: … and I’m Sonia.

JOEY: We’re here to make you an offer…

SONIA (full of excitement): …you can’t refuse.

JOEY: Not quite, Princess. This is an offer you can’t get anywhere else.

SONIA: All time you tell people this is offer you can’t refuse. Can’t refuse. Can’t refuse. Sonia says it, it no good? Only you can say it?

JOEY: You don’t make offers you can’t refuse to your friends. And these are our friends.

SONIA: I go shopping now.

JOEY: I told you. I need you here if you ever want to see Little Joey again.

SONIA: Maybe buy expensive car. Drive around looking for rich man in better health.

(Joey talks to the camera.)

JOEY: Listen folks, I made a large investment in concrete for this former real estate guy who promised me the inside track on a large construction project out west.

SONIA: Which Sonia say don’t do. In Russia we learn never trust former real estate guy who join government.

JOEY: Let’s just say I thought I had a better relationship with this…

SONIA: …rat.

(She thinks.)

SONIA: Instead of car, maybe I buy see-through lingerie.

JOEY: Anyway, I borrowed some money from some…family members, who are now looking for, what you might call, a quick return on their investment.

SONIA: They tell Joey want money back.

(Joey looks earnestly into the camera.)

JOEY: That’s where you come in. You couldn’t buy concrete at these prices even if you went to another supplier…which I wouldn’t recommend.

SONIA: I tell Joey not to do business with relatives.

(She looks at her watch.)

SONIA: Ooo…it almost 5 o’clock.

(Sweat beads form on Joey’s forehead as he addresses the camera again.)

JOEY: I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, Joey, why do I need concrete? I’m not in the construction business like you and your business partners. But, let’s be honest. If your family is anything like mine, you’ve got a few skeletons in the closet. Which is a really dumb place to keep them ’cause it’s the first place the cops are gonna look. Am I right?

(He points at the concrete slab.)

JOEY: This is a much safer place to hide those skeletons. Even if they’re not skeletons yet. You put your kid’s playhouse on here…I mean…what DA is gonna knock down a kid’s playhouse? How’s that gonna look on cable news?

SONIA: Look like Russia. In the spring.

JOEY: Folks, If you’re one of the first ten husbands to call, my little princess will deliver your concrete personally.

(Sonia faces the camera and jiggles her breasts.)

SONIA: Sonia drive truck for Russian army.

JOEY: Call within the next three minutes, and use a burner phone, I’ll give you an extra five percent off.

SONIA: Also, I neatly fold soldiers’ uniforms and test their beds not make squeaky noises.

(Joey steps to the side where there’s an empty bucket and a sack of concrete.)

JOEY: Let me show you how easy this is. You just empty the concrete into a bucket, like this…

(He coughs and wheezes as he wrestles with the bag.)

JOEY (out of breath): …add water…

(Fortunately, the ersatz backyard has a hose with running water.)

JOEY: …stir and pour.

(He pours the concrete, which tops off the wooden frame.)

JOEY: How we doin’, Princess?

(She checks her watch.)

SONIA: Ooo, two minutes to go…

(A title appears at the bottom the screen: Only 1,465,880 Bags Left)

SONIA: …and so far, we sell incredible zero bags of concrete. That leaves plenty for rat if he change mind.

(Without a word, Joey climbs into the wet concrete and disappears.)