Larry from Denver sent me an email the other day asking why passwords are so hard to remember. Is there a good way to recall a password you’ve forgotten? Or is is just me?
Dear Larry:
Congratulations. You are normal. People have been struggling with those questions since the dawn of time—if not before—which we can see if we look more closely at the history of passwords through the ages.
450 AD
Before passwords, privacy and secrecy are maintained by placing sensitive objects in castle towers at the top of lots and lots of stairs.
GUARD: HALT, WHO GOES THERE?
LANCELOT: IT IS I, SIR LANCELOT.
GUARD: SORRY, YOU CANNOT CLIMB THESE STAIRS AND RESCUE THE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS.
LANCELOT: OUT OF MY WAY, MAGGOT.
(Lancelot, in his full suit of armor, begins the long climb, to the accompaniment of much metallic creaking and groaning.)
GUARD: BUT SIR LANCELOT…
LANCELOT: WHOA…
(Lancelot tumbles down the stairs to the accompaniment of much human creaking and groaning.)
GUARD: TOLD YOU.
People rethink that strategy, however, when building costs and zoning codes make castles prohibitively expensive. Also, the suit of armor is replaced by the blazer and slacks.
800 AD
Ali Baba overhears the secret password, “open sesame” that unlocks the door to a cave full of gold. Not knowing that one doesn’t share one’s razor or one’s password, Ali Baba gives the password to his merchant brother, Cassim, who uses it to enter the cave and then, being human, forgets it.
CASSIM (yelling): ALI BABA, WHAT WAS THAT PASSWORD AGAIN? (pause) I KNOW IT’S OPEN SOMETHING. OPEN BARLEY? OPEN OATS? (pause) I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP HERE.
VOICE (from outside the cave): OPEN SESAME.
(The cave opens.)
CASSIM: THANKS, ALI BABI. I KNEW I WAS CLOSE.
THIEF (entering with sword in hand): A LITTLE TOO CLOSE.
Bleeding to death, Cassim’s final words are, “What was the password again?” Despite a huge public outcry for better password retrieval from inside caves nothing substantial is accomplished.
1920 AD
In honor of Prohibition, speakeasies bring back passwords. They are introduced with much fanfare, including the stationing of lugs in black suits at every speakeasy door.
LUG: WHAT’S THE PASSWORD?
MARVIN: SWORDFISH.
LUG: GET LOST.
MARVIN: MACKERAL? FLOUNDER?
After three wrong tries, Marvin is locked out for as long as it takes his kneecaps to heal. Despite a huge public outcry for better password retrieval at speakeasy doors nothing substantial is accomplished.
1942 AD
The U.S. military introduces the two-step password to establish the identities of spies. But the system isn’t foolproof.
(A man in a trench coat and fedora sits down next to a similarly dressed woman at a hotel bar.)
MAN: THE GRAPE JELLY WON’T BE AS SWEET THIS YEAR.
WOMAN (a dead ringer for Marlene Deitrich): I’M SORRY. I DON’T TALK TO STRANGE MEN.
MAN: I’M NOT STRANGE. I’M A SPY.
WOMAN: I’VE HEARD GERMAN SPIES SEDUCE AMERICAN SPIES BECAUSE THEY TALK IN THEIR SLEEP.
MAN: WELL I’VE HEARD AMERICAN SPIES SEDUCE GERMAN SPIES BECAUSE THEY TALK IN THEIR SLEEP.
WOMAN: WHY DON’T WE FIND OUT?
MAN: BUT FIRST YOU HAVE TO SAY, “THEN PERHAPS YOU’LL LIKE THE MARMALADE.”
WOMAN: WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT. BY THE WAY, HOW MANY BOATS DO YOU AMERICANS HAVE?
MAN: STILL AWAKE, HERE.
It takes 60 years but complicated phrases are eventually replaced by the Ashley Madison website.
2010 AD
Passwords become increasingly complex and remembering them takes its toll on people’s memories and self-confidence. As a result of a huge public outcry, multiple hacker groups regularly post names and passwords on the internet, making it possible to retrieve yours with a few, simple clicks.
Finally, Larry, something substantial is accomplished.
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