One of the things that separates our country from others around the world is the serious way in which our government works.
While members of the British Parliament, for example, have been known to hurl objects at the Prime Minister during his speeches, it would be difficult for any of us to watch a filibustering Senator read the Sarasota, Florida telephone directory into the record without thinking, “Wow. Is he serious?”
In fact, running this country is so serious that, from time to time, the government needs some comic relief. I believe this is the reasoning behind the creation of the Transportation Security Administration, whose charter seems to include filling the void left by the passing of Lucille Ball, W.C. Fields and the 1962 New York Mets.
After sharing humorous pictures from their full body scan machines, the TSA proposed a program called SPOT, or Screening of Passengers by Observational Techniques. (Rejected names include Systemic Pestering Of Travelers, Silliest Plan On the Table and Simply Protecting Our Turf.) SPOT uses specially trained agents agents to strike up causal conversations with travelers while watching for signs the they could be threats.
According to newspaper accounts, a TSA official said that telltale signs included involuntary physical and physiological reactions that people exhibit in response to the fear of being discovered. The official did not elaborate further because he was busy scratching his nose and rapidly blinking his eyes while pacing back and forth, refusing to make eye contact.
The agency developed this plan against the advice of experts who pointed out that paying hundreds of dollars to be kicked in the back all the way across the country by a hyperactive 4-year-old sitting in the lap of the passenger behind you should disqualify you from flying on the spot.
The real test will be when agents encounter an international traveler whose behavior falls outside the profile developed from observation of the standard scientific sources: college freshman; laboratory rats; and reality show reruns.
AGENT BERT: Hi there, Mr. Kenabye. Would you mind if we strike up a casual conversation?
PASSENGER: It’s Kenobi. And I’m not the tourist you’re looking for.
AGENT BERT: Eh? What’s that you say? And what’s that peeking out from under your cloak?
PASSENGER: I said, “I’m not the tourist you’re looking for.”
AGENT HARRY: What’s going on, Bert?
AGENT BERT: Nothing, Harry. Let him pass. He’s not the tourist we’re looking for.
AGENT HARRY: Terrorist?
(Harry pulls out his pepper spray)
AGENT BERT: Tourist.
(Harry holsters his pepper spray)
AGENT HARRY: From where? What’s that accent?
PASSENGER: That’s not the accent you’re looking for.
AGENT HARRY: Never mind, Bert. That’s not the accent we’re looking for.
AGENT BERT: I’m confused. Are we looking for a tourist or an accent?
AGENT HARRY: Bert, why are you blinking your eyes like that?
AGENT BERT: Why aren’t you looking me in the eye?
PASSENGER: You are the terrorists you’re looking for.
(They draw their pepper spray on each other. The passenger laughs and and walks away yodaling.)
So if a TSA agent strikes up a friendly conversation with you, remember it’s for your own good. Answer the questions in all seriousness. And if you have to blink, try to blink like a lab rat.
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Bert and Harry? The Peils (spelling?) Brothers of beer fame, perhaps?
In my year of constant traveling, this one strikes an especially familiar chord. thanks, Jay… funny stuff.