LIVES SAVED AS EL NINO FLOODING AVERTED — April 2 – The Mayor of Los Angeles awarded the key to the city to Arnold Slawpepper. Singlehandly, Mr. Slawpepper purchased a $1000 flood insurance policy although there hasn’t been a flood in his neighborhood since Noah. Thanks to Slawpepper’s quick thinking there were no damaging El Niño storms in Los Angeles this year.

Averting tragedy runs in the Slawpepper family. In 1964, his father washed his VW at the height of a New York City drought. The ensuing rain storms filled the Croton Reservoir and washed away four miles of white lines on the New York State Thruway.

In 1907, following the San Francisco earthquake, Slawpepper’s great-grandfather spent a day’s wages on an earthquake preparedness kit. Bookmakers have been betting on The Big One ever since.

“I don’t know where Mr. Slawpepper found the strength to go without his half-caf lattes for most of January,” the mayor said.

In accepting the key, Slawpepper remarked, “I just did what any good Slawpepper would have done.”

LOS ANGELES MAN HAILED AS HERO — April 17 – Arnold Slawpepper, who volunteered his body to science, said that after two weeks of poking and prodding he was “…stuck with so many needles I feel like I was making love to a porcupine.“ Scientists will analyze Slawpepper’s DNA and blood for clues to warding off natural disasters.

PRESIDENT AWARDS MEDAL TO ARNOLD SLAWPEPPER — April 20 – Calling Slawpepper an inspiration to all Americans, the president wished him good luck and God’s speed. “I can take God’s speed, but if I get lucky that’s going to disgrace the Slawpepper name,” he said, clapping the president’s sholder.

TEARFUL PRE-TEEN BLAMES PAIN ON SLAWPEPPER — April 22 – A tearful and visibly distressed Winnie Arbuckle, 8, showed off a dead petunia in front of her home in the San Gabriel Valley. The petunia, named Wilimina and Arbuckle’s constant companion since age 4, withered away during the dry winter. “It’s all his fault,” she sobbed, as crocodile tears ran down her face. Earlier, she had identified Arnold Slawpepper as the man behind Wilimina’s untimely demise.

MASSIVE PROTEST SNARLS TRAFFIC DURING MORNING RUSH HOUR — April 24 – It took police 3 hours to untangle the traffic mess caused by a flash mob protest outside the home of Arnold Slawpepper yesterday. According to a police spokeswoman, “If I could have directed a caravan of Hummers through that little SOB’s living room I would have. But I’ve got a pension to think about.”

GOVERNMENT TO DESTROY SLAWPEPPER DNA — April 25 – “The man is a menace to society,” according to a government spokesman. “Rest assured his DNA will be rendered harmless. The world doesn’t need the genes of a man who would show such callous disregard for the children who are the future of our country.”

MAYOR ADMITS MISTAKE IN HONORING SLAWPEPPER — April 26 – “If I’d known he was one inch this side of a child molester I’d never have given him a key to the city,” the mayor said. He assured Los Angelenos there was no cause for alarm. “I don’t trust him to give the key back, so I’ve changed the city lock.”

SLAWPEPPER COMMITTED — April 28 – Arnold Slawpepper, once thought a hero, was involuntarily committed to a mental health facility for observation after insisting he was abducted by presidential-medal-stealing aliens. “This guy in a black suit came to the door asking to see the medal. Next thing I know I started levitating, and these porcupine-lokking aliens were poking and prodding me. And when I came to, the medal was missing.” The White House said the medal, like Area 51, does not exist.

AGENTS SCRAMBLE AS RUMORS SWIRL — April 30 – Arnold Slawpepper is rumored to be writing a book. Literary agents estimate his advance will top two million dollars—more if his medal is found by the Mars rover.