To introduce its new, no-frills Basic Economy fares, Fly High Airlines creates a new television commercial. In a studio in Hollywood, the director rehearses the new spot and its two stars, a pair of famous flight pioneers.
DIRECTOR: OKAY, BOYS. WE’RE JUST GOING TO AD LIB THIS AROUND THE BASIC FARE TALKING POINTS. SO BE YOURSELVES. HAVE FUN. AND…ACTION.
ORVILLE: HI, I’M ORVILLE.
WILBUR: AND I’M WILBUR, AND WE HAVE EXCITING NEWS FOR YOU.
ORVILLE: THANKS TO OUR FRIENDS AT FLY HIGH AIRLINES…
WILBUR: THEY’RE NOT EXACTLY FRIENDS.
ORVILLE: SURE THEY ARE.
WILBUR: IT’S A BUSINESS DEAL.
ORVILLE: BUT THEY’RE VERY FRIENDLY FOLKS.
WILBUR: MOTHER DIDN’T RAISE US TO BE DISHONEST, ORVILLE.
ORVILLE: THANKS TO THE…FOLKS…AT FLY HIGH AIRLINES, AND THEIR NEW BASIC ECONOMY FARES, YOU CAN EXPERIENCE THE SAME THRILL OF FLYING WE DID AT KITTY HAWK. NO MATTER WHAT YOUR BUDGET.
WILBUR: BUT DON’T WORRY. FLY HIGH’S PLANES ARE ENCLOSED.
ORVILLE: THEY KNOW THAT.
WILBUR: WHEN YOU SAY “THE SAME THRILL” PEOPLE MIGHT THINK WIND IN THEIR HAIR.
ORVILLE: I DOUBT IT…
WILBUR: …OR BE AFRAID OF FALLING OUT…
ORVILLE: I WAS NOT AFRAID OF FALLING OUT.
WILBUR: THEN WHY DID YOU HANG ON TO THE WING STRUTS TILL YOUR KNUCKLES TURNED WHITE?
ORVILLE: YOU SAW MY KNUCKLES FROM THE GROUND?
WILBUR: WHAT ARE THE PASSENGERS GOING TO DO? GRAB A NEIGHBOR’S KNEE CAP? ALTHOUGH, IN BASIC ECONOMY, YOU COULD. YOUR NEIGHBOR’S PRACTICALLY SITTING IN YOUR LAP.
ORVILLE: FLY HIGH’S PASSENGERS ARE A LOT MORE COMFORTABLE THAN I WAS. I WAS ON MY STOMACH.
WILBUR: THEY’D HAVE MORE LEG ROOM IF THEY WERE, TOO.
ORVILLE: FOLKS. WITH FLY HIGH’S BASIC ECONOMY FARES YOU AND YOUR FAMILY CAN CRISS-CROSS THIS GREAT COUNTRY, HIGH ABOVE THE CLOUDS.
WILBUR: EVEN THOUGH THEY CAN’T SIT TOGETHER.
ORVILLE: UP THERE, IN THE WILD, BLUE YONDER, WE’RE ALL FAMILY.
WILBUR: I WOULDN’T KNOW.
ORVILLE: NOT AGAIN.
WILBUR: YOU WOULDN’T LET ME ON THE PLANE.
ORVILLE: WE FLIPPED A COIN.
WILBUR: IF I’D WON, I’D HAVE LET YOU ON.
ORVILLE: MAYBE THIS IS WHY FLY HIGH DOESN’T LET FAMILIES TRAVELING ON BASIC ECONOMY SIT TOGETHER. MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, EVERYBODY’S HAPPIER THAT WAY.
WILBUR: AND ABOUT THE WILD BLUE YONDER…
ORVILLE: IT’S ONLY AN EXPRESSION.
WILBUR: IF FLY HIGH REALLY FLEW AS HIGH AS YOU DID THEY’D BE KNOCKING THE HEADS OFF BICYCLISTS. IS THAT WHAT YOU MEAN BY THE THRILL OF FLYING?
ORVILLE: MOTHER WARNED ME ABOUT GOING INTO BUSINESS WITH YOU.
WILBUR: ‘CAUSE I DON’T THINK BICYCLISTS WOULD FIND THAT THRILLING. THOUGH MAYBE THAT’S FLY HIGH’S WAY OF SAVING ON FUEL, WHAT WITH THOSE CHEAP FARES.
ORVILLE: IS THERE ANYTHING FLY HIGH DOES THAT YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT?
WILBUR: AS A MATTER OF FACT…
ORVILLE: YES?
WILBUR: YOU DON’T GET TO CARRY ANYTHING ONTO THE PLANE.
ORVILLE: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I COULD HAVE BROUGHT MY TOOL BOX. BUT, OUT OF CONSIDERATION FOR PEOPLE ON THE GROUND, I DIDN’T WANT ANYTHING FALLING OUT OF THE PLANE.
WILBUR: AS YOU FLEW INTO THE WILD BLUE YONDER.
ORVILLE: RIGHT.
WILBUR: KNOCKING OVER BICYCLISTS.
ORVILLE: ANYTHING ELSE? BESIDES BICYCLISTS?
WILBUR: YES. THE FARES ARE TOO LOW. IF PEOPLE WANT TO FLY THE WAY WE DID IT THEY OUGHT TO INVEST THEIR LIFE SAVINGS, TOO.
ORVILLE: YOU’RE STILL THE SPOILED BRAT MOTHER SAID YOU WERE.
WILBUR: SHE TOLD ME YOU WERE AN UNPRINCIPLED CAPITALIST.
DIRECTOR: C-U-U-U-T.
There is weak applause as everyone on the set agrees that using Wilbur and Orville as spokespersons makes about as much sense as the Basic Economy fares.
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You might substitute United for Fly High airlines. It’s getting that way.
Hi Nick…
Years ago, Jay Leno made the observation that Delta Airlines had changed its slogan from something inspiring and uplifiting to “We get you there.” Nowadays, the airlines seem to act as if getting you there is too much trouble for them.
And to think people used to get dressed up in their Sunday finery to fly.
— jay