If there’s one country whose automobile designers seem to know, more than anyone else in the world, what Americans want in a car it has to be Germany.

Look at the record.

Despite being little more than two very large TV dinner trays held together by a bumper barely wide enough to display an “Ass, Gas or Grass” sticker, VW Microbuses saw more action in the 1960s than the back seat of a Chevy. (There were also more places to hide weed in a Microbus than in the back seat of a Chevy although the VW exectives I contacted about this were less than forthcoming about it. They did, however, giggle a lot.)

Then there are those recent VW Diesel engines that worked properly only when under the trained eye of a technician. That’s one brilliant marketing ploy easily grasped by any American consumer who owns a major appliance.

Now, a top German auto maker, whose nickname rhymes with “dreamer,” is appealing to American drivers who care deeply about highway safety but don’t want to seem ostentatious.

According to reliable sources, who spoke on the condition I would not mention their names Hans and Sonia, all that risky-looking zipping left and right, sudden changes of direction, jack-rabbit starts, plus other similar maneuvers performed once the car is out of the driveway, are part of a safety enhancement package that includes

Accident Avoidance: The hand-crafted driver’s seat is upholstered with a fabric woven from shards of Bavarian Alps rock. This encourages the driver to rush through traffic as quickly as possible, changing lanes and running yellow lights, in order to avoid sitting in the car one second longer than necessary. The less time on the road the less chance of getting into an accident.

Intelligent Mirrors: Adjusting mirrors to check hair and makeup is a leading cause of traffic accidents. As part of the enhanced safety package, the side- and rear-view mirrors automatically sense when they are being looked at and adjust themselves to provide superior front and profile views of the driver’s face. Freed from worrying about his or her appearance, the relaxed driver is less likely to pull a weapon on surrounding drivers who lose it when they are cut off.

Onboard Speed Optimization: The carefully-calibrated digital speedometer is accurate to the nth kilometer but reads low in miles per hour. This provides drivers with an incentive to put distance between themselves and the pack of vehicles around them, thus avoiding routine traffic hazards such as fender benders and sniper fire.

Improved Braking: When fractions of a second count, even the time it takes a driver to move his or her foot from the accelerator to the brake can result in a fatality. The enhanced braking system allows drivers to activate their brakes merely by hitting the horn button. They can keep their right feet hovering over the accelerator in case there’s an opportunity for an evasive maneuver such as swerving.

Stress Reduction: The exterior turn signals are disabled once the car reaches a safe cruising speed of 2 mph. By not flashing four exterior lights the system saves electrical energy, which translates into better fuel economy and longer battery life. It also reduces the stress of having to decide, in advance, whether to go left, right, or straight ahead, which makes for a more alert driver.

Although it may not be obvious as you travel our great country’s highways and byways, you’re sharing the road with some intelligent drivers who have availed themselves of the latest German engineering to ensure we all arrive at our destinations safe and sound.

So try and forget they’re driving like idiots.