About 15 years ago, the universities of this great nation decided it was time to come out of the closet—sorry, the ivory tower—and publicly admit what many of us had long suspected. They were really corporations.
They are run by highly-paid executives who sell commodity products (2+2 is still 4, no matter how much you pay for your education), and cut costs by outsourcing manufacturing to low-paid workers with no benefits. (See the university catalog under “adjunct professors.”)
And that’s why universities got rid of students and replaced them with customers. Let’s face it. No student is going to run up a five-figure debt with no idea how she’ll pay it off.
But a customer with a credit card? That’s the American dream.
Now universities are discovering what Costco, Starbucks and Nordstrom’s have known forever. Forget spending money on buildings and products. Use those dollars to give customers what they really want.
A call center.
ALEX: BIFFENDALE UNIVERSITY CUSTOMER CARE. THIS CALL MAY BE RECORDED FOR QUALITY ASSURANCE. MY NAME IS ALEX. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?
BRUCE: HI ALEX, I’M BRUCE, AND I HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH ONE OF YOUR PRODUCTS.
ALEX: OOOO…I KNOW HOW AWFUL HAVING A PROBLEM FEELS. WHICH PRODUCT IS IT?
BRUCE: PHILOSOPHY 101.
ALEX: YOU KNOW, I HAD TROUBLE WITH THAT PRODUCT, TOO, SO I KNOW HOW FRUSTRATING THAT CAN BE. WHAT’S WRONG?
BRUCE: I GOT AN F.
ALEX: I KNOW HOW GETTING AN F CAN SPOIL YOUR DAY.
BRUCE: I READ THE TEXTBOOK BUT, HONESTLY, I COULDN’T FOLLOW IT.
ALEX: BRUCE, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE HAVING THAT PROBLEM.
BRUCE: YOU REALLY SHOULD THINK ABOUT USING CLIFF’S NOTES.
ALEX: I’M GOING TO PASS THAT ALONG TO OUR TEXTBOOK TEAM. WE’RE ALWAYS MAKING CHANGES BASED ON THOUGHTFUL FEEDBACK FROM PEOPLE LIKE YOU.
BRUCE: COOL.
ALEX: WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE US TO DO? WE CAN GIVE YOU A REPLACEMENT PHILOSOPHY 101 AT NO CHARGE.
BRUCE: HOW LONG WOULD THAT TAKE?
ALEX: ANOTHER SEMESTER.
BRUCE: A SEMESTER? I’M SUPPOSED TO GRADUATE NEXT YEAR.
ALEX: HOW ABOUT IF WE WIPE OUT THE GRADE, REFUND THE COST, AND YOU CAN PUT THAT REFUND TOWARD SOMETHING ELSE? YOU WILL HAVE TO RETURN ANYTHING YOU LEARNED IN PHILOSOPHY 101, ALTHOUGH SINCE YOU’VE BEEN A LOYAL CUSTOMER FOR THREE YEARS I CAN CANCEL THE RESTOCKING FEE.
BRUCE: THAT’LL TAKE ANOTHER SEMESTER, TOO.
ALEX: I UNDERSTAND, BRUCE. YOU DON’T WANT ANYTHING THAT WILL TAKE ANOTHER SEMESTER.
BRUCE: RIGHT.
ALEX: I CAN OFFER YOU A REPLACEMENT GRADE.
BRUCE: LIKE WHAT?
ALEX: LET ME SEE…PHILOSOPHY 101…I HAVE A C GRADE AVAILABLE.
BRUCE: LOOK. I’M PLANNING ON GETTING MY MBA. A C WILL KILL MY GPA.
ALEX: I CAN UNDERSTAND HOW IMPORTANT YOUR GPA FOR AN MBA IS. I SEE YOU’VE NEVER HAD A GRADE REPLACEMENT BEFORE.
BRUCE: HELL, NO…
ALEX: THEN I CAN OFFER YOU A B-. WOULD THAT WORK FOR YOU?
BRUCE: UH…YEAH. I THINK SO.
ALEX: LET’S DO THAT, THEN. (typing sounds) OKAY. YOU SHOULD SEE THAT B- ON YOUR GRADE REPORT WITHIN 48 HOURS.
BRUCE: NICE.
ALEX: I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS IS A ONE-TIME CHANGE AND THERE ARE NO REFUNDS OR REPLACEMENTS. IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU?
BRUCE: NO. THIS IS…GREAT.
ALEX: I’M GLAD TO HEAR THAT. YOU MAY BE GETTING A FOLLOW-UP SURVEY FROM U.S. NEWS AND WORLD REPORT. AND IF THERE’S ANY REASON YOU CAN’T GIVE BIFFENDALE A PERFECT SCORE I HOPE YOU’LL CALL ME BACK FIRST SO WE CAN MAKE THINGS RIGHT.
BRUCE: SURE.
ALEX: THANK YOU FOR BEING THE BEST PART OF THE BIFFENDALE UNIVERSITY EXPERIENCE, BRUCE, AND HAVE A GREAT BIFFENDALE DAY.
Classrooms or customer care? You make the call.
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Oh dear. How sadly depressing.
Hi Nancy…
It’s made all the worse by the hiring of people who don’t have corporate experience. Academics still run the administration. So universities aren’t corporations as much as they are artists’ conceptions of corporations.
It’s funny when it’s not sad.
— jay
Hate to say it but this very conversation went on with my metaphysics professor back at Notre Dame in 1963. Except for his choice of words. Same result too.
Hi Nick…
Well, sure, it was metaphysics. I probably wrote the story first and your prof picked up on it 50 years earlier.
I don’t think things have changed that much at universities. I think technology has helped formalize many of the practices and made them more visible.
— jay
Cute. In that case maybe I should open a new business… edupation. Margins look pretty good.
Hi Steve…
The problem is, you’d probably be successful 🙂
Anyway, there’s an opening now that ITT Tech has closed its doors.
— jay