What follows is a work in progress, inspired by the Senate debate on health care. I suspect I’ll finish this work before the Senators finish theirs.

The United States Senate
A Musical
by
Jay Douglas

Act I

AT RISE: The Ensemble enters from all directions. In order to represent as many of the 100 senators as possible—without violating fire laws—the Ensemble consists of 50 members wearing masks with two faces.

Deliberate
A flashy, bawdy, bright tune, typical of the 1940s. Everyone marches around—upstage, downstage, stage left, stage right—but nobody ever gets anywhere.

(Ensemble)
If you’re looking for some action visit the track,
If you want to scream out loud step on a tack.
If it’s a scenario you crave that will put you in your grave,
Marriage is the perfect way to go.
But we are thoughtful and reserved
Our behavior is reserved,
We talk in tones that reek of quiet voice.
From the time that we rise till the stars close our eyes
We talk and talk but never make a choice.

(Rosencranz)
It’s not our job.

(Ensemble)
We deliberate.
We make no rush to judgment, we deliberate.
No question is too small
To be examined in this hall
As it’s brought before this body to debate.
We deliberate.
In back rooms and in bars we deliberate.
Speed is not our worry,
We fear judgment in a hurry,
Our Constitutional duties are so great.
Our opinions are free-flowing
‘Cause we don’t know where we’re going,
But we won’t look stately if we sit and wait.
So we deliberate.

(Senators Gildenstern, Morganstern, and Stemtostern sit at desks in front of the podium. The rest of the Ensemble occupies the first few rows of the audience. After they silence their cell phones and unwrap their candies Senator Rosencrantz ascends the podium and bangs his gavel.)

Rosencrantz: As president pro tem, I hereby call this session of the United States Senate to order.

(Gildenstern, Morganstern, and Stemtostern applaud. Rosencrantz frowns. The applause stops.)

Rosencrantz: I recognize the gentleman from the great state of Arkansas, Senator Beauregard L. Fensterwick, for comments and remarks on bill number 17-111, The Historical Clarity Act of 2017, which clarifies that the official name of the Grand Coulee Dam is Grand Coulee Dam and not THE Grand Coulee Dam. Mr. Fensterwick, you have two minutes.

(A young lad rises from the front row and ascends the stairs to the stage. This is Senator Billy Joe Bob Roy Lee, the very junior senator from Arkansas.)

Lee: Mr. President…

Rosencrantz: Yes, Mr. Fensterwick.

Lee: I’m Mr. Lee.

Rosencrantz: I’m sorry. I didn’t recognize you.

Lee: I’m new.

Rosencrantz: Where’s Mr. Fensterwick?

Lee: He’s on the floor.

(Everyone looks around. Much murmuring and hubbub.)

Rosencrantz: Then why can’t we find him.

(Lee points down to the floor of the audience. Gildenstern, Morganstern, and Stemtostern leap from their seats and with panicked looks on their faces, drag Fensterwick’s limp body from the audience floor onto the stage. Gasps from the others.)

Rosencrantz: What is it?

(Lee examines Fensterwick’s body.)

Lee: Mr. Fensterwick is turning blue.

Rosencrantz: We’ll have none of that. He’s from Arkansas.

Turn Blue
An upbeat, defiant number.

(Rosencranz)
You can’t turn blue.
When you’re in the GOP
That just won’t do.
If you run on our ticket
You don’t tell your friends to stick it,
Just because you’ve learned a thing or two.
You can’t turn blue.
You don’t know what you’re in for if you do.
There are forces dark and deep
Our integrity they keep,
Try to switch and you’ll wish you weren’t you.
But I’m feeling somewhat kind
So I’ll let you change your mind,
It’s the only responsible thing you can do.
Don’t turn blue.

Wattzinger: Mr. President…

Rosencrantz: What?

Wattzinger: Senator Wattzinger, from the great state of Maryland, and second cousin once removed to Andrew Ambergustin, under whose guidance and direction the District of Columbia adopted an ordinance requiring Automatic External Defibrillators—known throughout this great country, from the rocky coast of Maine to the oil-fouled beaches of California as AEDs—to to be placed in every area of recreation, including the Senate cloakroom. I am prepared to use an AED to render first aid to the gentleman from Arkansas.

Lee: Thank you. I am feeling a bit dizzy.

Wattzinger: To Fensterwick. He’s having a heart attack.

Rosencrantz: Mr. Wattzinger, you have not been recognized.

Wattzinger: It’s the toupee. See?

(He removes his hairpiece. There are murmurs of recognition.)

Wattzinger: My wife thinks it makes me more electable.

Rosencranz: Nevertheless, we need to find out if Mr. Fensterwick will yield the floor.

Wattzinger (looks down at Fensterwick): Not without help.

Rosencrantz: Then, do I hear a motion?

Morganstern: I move that Mr. Wattzinger attend to Mr. Fensterwick forthwith, if not as soon as possible. And that the motion be passed unanimously.

Voice in the Back: Seconded.

Rosencranz: All in favor.

All: Aye.

Rosencranz: It’s unanimous.

Unanimous
A gritty tune reminiscent of the songs sung around campfires during the Revolutionary War.

(Ensemble)
We’re unanimous.
For one brief, shining moment
We’re unanimous.
It’s really quite a trip
Bathing in bipartisanship.
When we’re unanimous
No animus will do.

Morganstern: I’ll get the AED.

(She leaps to her feet, only to be gaveled down by Rosencranz, who gives Morganstern an evil look.)

Morganstern: But, Mr. President…

(Morganstern)
It’s really quite a trip
Bathing in bipartisanship.
When we’re unanimous
No animus will do.

Rosencranz: Oh, well…

(Morganstern rushes off and returns with the AED.)

Wattzinger (in panic): The AED.

Rosencranz: What?

Wattzinger: It’s expired.

Morganstern: There’s been an oversight.

Gildenstern: By the Oversight Committee.

Morganstern: They didn’t check the AED.

Gildenstern: The Oversight Committee needs some oversight.

Morganstern: I move we form an Oversight Committee for the Oversight Committee.

Lee: Should we use it anyway?

Rosencranz (gaveling): You can’t raise a question while a motion is in motion.

Stemtostern: Point of order, Mr. President.

Rosencranz: Yes, Mr. Stemtostern.

Stemtostern: Shouldn’t the question of whether to use an expired AED on an expiring member of this body take precedence over whether the Oversight Committee is short-sighted?

Lee: What shall we do, Mr. President?

Rosencranz: There’s only one thing we can do.

Gildenstern: You mean…?

Morganstern: …we’re actually going to…?

Rosencranz: We have no choice. The clerk will call the roll.

Morganstern: …vote?

(A man rises from the audience. This is Senator Nyfenbach.)

Nyfenbach: Wait.

(All action on stage ceases. The senators freeze in their various poses. Nyfenbach ascends to the stage.)

Nyfenbach: There will be no vote to glorify someone who sullies the hallowed and respected name of the Republican party by…turning blue.

Going My Way
A tender ballad, with a melody that comes from the heart.

(Nyfenbach)
I’m going my way.
If you don’t like what I want
Then hit the highway.
I don’t trust any of you,
To think the way I do,
And the rules let me toss your needs away.
And then go my way.
Why pummel you with logic?
That’s the hard way
To get you to agree
With a most important me,
When all I have to do is raise my hand and say
I’m going my way.
You know I’m going to win
So let the filibuster begin,
Till all of you rise at once and say…

(Ensemble)
Let’s go his way.
We don’t like what he’s thinking
But we can’t stay.
We have spouses and lovers, too,
Who think it’s more important to
Have us come home to them and play.
We’ll go his way.
Then we’ll tell the folks back home
We had no say.
With all sincerity we can muster
We’ll defend his filibuster,
For someday we may need to do it, too.

CURTAIN

Act II

AT RISE: Senator Nyfenbach is at the podium. He is reading from the Manhattan telephone directory.

Nyfenbach: Ludwig. Herman. 3050 West 72nd Street. Two-one-two. Five-five-five. Oh-one-two-five…

(Downstage, Wattzinger and Lee stand over Fensterwick.)

Wattzinger: We have to do something.

Lee: I know. Otherwise, we’ll be here all night. Still, I’ve never seen a real filibuster before. Wait till I tell Maggie and the kids.

(Lee grabs the AED paddles, attaches them to Fensterwick and hits the flashing blue button. There is a loud ZZZZT sound.)

Wattzinger: Uh, everyone…

Nyfenbach: Luten. Mike. Two-one-two…

Wattzinger: Everyone. Mr. Fensterwick has stopped turning blue.

Nyfenbach: Eh? So he’s coming back to the fold.

Wattzinger: Not exactly.

Nyfenback: In that case, Mr. President, I yield the rest of my time.

Rosencranz: Well, in that case, the clerk will…

Call the Roll
A big, brassy, show-stopping tune that’s a cross between a Souza march and a Keystone Cops chase scene.

(Ensemble)
Call the roll.
Call the roll.
The word has gone out
To call the roll.
It’s the ultimate dispensation
Of our deliberation,
The pride swells up within our very soul.

(Nyfenbach)
Fensterwick’s no longer turning blue.

(Rosencranz)
And there’s so much work to do.

(Nyfenbach)
There’s no need to let unfinished business mount.
Let’s count.

(Ensemble)
Call the roll.
This is a great responsibility
And we treat it with humility,
As if it were the Senate’s solemn goal.
But with all of our maneuvering,
Our rhetoric has a familiar ring,
To never be caught taking a stand.

(Nyfenbach)
When I go on the record hence
I’ll do it with ambivalence,
No matter what I signal with my hand.

(Ensemble)
So call the roll.
And hope that our constituents
Won’t notice we’re sitting on the fence,
So our vote won’t take a political toll.
When we call the roll.

CURTAIN

(If space permits, two Ensemble members carry Fensterwick’s body offstage during the final number hoping no one notices.)