There is still time to give your Valentine the gift of a lifetime.

Not your lifetime, the gift’s lifetime. Which, according to some respectable scientific journals is longer than the shelf life of Twinkies. (Source: www.somerespectablescientificjournals.org) This Valentine’s Day give your sweetheart a cockroach.

Okay, not exactly a cockroach. You can give your sweetheart’s name to a cockroach.

I know what you’re thinking: How can this be possible? Thank the good people at the Bronx Zoo. According to UPI, “…$10 allows a potential suitor to name a Madagascar hissing cockroach for the object of their affection and they will receive a digital certificate showing that one of the zoo’s…roaches shares their name.”

As a native Bronxite, you cannot imagine the feelings this gift stirs within me. A lonely cockroach gets a name while your object of affection gets an incredible digital certificate she can carry close to her heart, if that’s where she keeps her cell phone.

(Note: Where I use a female pronoun, feel free to substitute a male one. Things just won’t be as funny.)

Now, you’ll want to hurry to take advantage of this opportunity, so here’s a link to the Bronx Zoo’s website. Although they have tens of thousands of cockroaches on hand (making this a truly unique gift) you don’t want your sweetheart’s cockroach being named for someone else. And, trust me, you don’t want your sweetheart discovering she is the only one of her friends who doesn’t have a cockroach named after her. How would that go down at the gym?

You many find yourself thinking, “How can I do such a thing?” As an experienced gift giver let me give you a tip: timing is everything. For example, the Supreme Court has ruled that free speech does not include the right to scream, “Fire,” in a crowded theater. Most likely the same is true about yelling “Cockroach?” in a crowded restaurant.

So I suggest breaking the news to her after dinner.

Choose a romantic location where yelling, “Cockroach?” is perfectly acceptable. Like a New York City apartment. If you live outside of New York (as I do), any alley with a commercial dumpster is a good alternative. Be prepared. Once you present your lover with this gift she will be speechless.

Eventually.

That’s when you’ll be happy you memorized this casual cockroach banter to fill the void:

• the Madagascar hissing cockroach is nocturnal, meaning that it is active at night (unlike some of the women I’ve dated);
• males attract females by showing their hissing strength, which is significantly cheaper than drinks and dinner;
• after a night of whoopee, the Madagascar hissing cockroach may find herself in trouble, and shortly afterwards may be surrounded by little Madagascar hissing cockroaches called nymphs;
• nymphs are flat and the length of a small watermelon seed, but the mother’s friends still tell her the kids are cute and look just like her.

If you’re still not sure, consider this. What could be more seductive than her gifting you a new pair 38Ds (see, I told you it wouldn’t be as funny) while you reciprocate with her very own named cockroach? Surely you can imagine what kind of Valentine’s night that will lead to. There’s a good chance you’ll never have another one like it.

Ever.