This is an important announcement for all men in the audience.

MEN!!!

Until now, you had to wait twenty, thirty even forty years to get the look that says “I have the weight of the world on my shoulders,” not to mention the experience that goes along with it.

Who’s got the time for that?

We both know you’ve got your philosophy degree; you’ve read all the financial and legal books in the Barnes & Noble self-help section; and you’ve seen The Wolf of Wall Street three times — without ever resting your hand in your lap.

You’re ready to take over now.

But, who wants to tap the piggy bank to pay for cosmetic surgery that would give you that, saggy, droopy and baggy Henry Kissinger look? (Henry Kissinger? Oh, sorry. Here’s a link.)

Well, there’s good news. No matter what your occupation or financial status, properly done beard stubble makes you look as world weary as any indicted lawyer, convicted hedge fund manager or beleaguered public official.

Real stubble can be hard to get right. Regular razors can cause unsightly bleeding and scars. Dull scissors pinch and pull. And the lithium batteries in electric shavers leave you with a carbon footprint as big as Sasquatch.

How FML

Introducing the revolutionary, new Stubble Kit for Men, a breakthrough in stubble technology that uses your own stubble to give you that well-deserved, world-weary look.

Step one, shave as you normally do. Watch the Stubble Kit for Men’s patented razor capture your stubble in a sterilized container made from high-quality plastic recycled from White House pens Donald Trump was going to use to sign his massive insfrastructure bill.

Step two, open the side of the razor’s handle and pour in the secret tinted adhesive oil, made from a blend of ingredients that we’re not going to say anything more about. After all, if we told you it’s made from animal fat molecules, apple pectin and a chemical dye that hasn’t been proven to produce cancer in rats — yet — it wouldn’t be a secret, would it?

What we will do is drop in a handful of long, medical-sounding words that won’t mean anything to you unless you studied Latin in college and, if you did, you probably already have that world-weary look. Otherwise, let us be the first to tell you that you piled up all that student debt for nothing.

Step three, slide the little lever from Shave to Apply, and go over your face again. Watch how the amazing Stubble Kit for Men process reapplies your own stubble in a matter of moments.

Stubble Kit for Men stubble won’t come off, won’t streak and won’t leave stains on the fingers or palms of your significant other. As John R. says, “I’ve been a Hollywood make-up man for 28 years, and I can’t tell the difference between real stubble and stubble from the Stubble Kit for Men.” And would a Hollywood make-up man lie? Especially one as well-known as John R.?

Each Stubble Kit for Men comes with our secret adhesive oil in your choice of one of our three shades — sexy, experienced millennial; harried yet patient executive; and sincere but misunderstood politician. You can get your kit for $19.99. But, if your order now, we’ll send you all three shades for only $19.99. That’s a twenty-dollar savings.

Just pay a separate fee, which happens to come to — twenty dollars. While you were studying philosophy, we were studying marketing and we now have big jobs on Madison Avenue.

The Stubble Kit for Men. Get what you deserve.