In times of great strife, most of which are marked by a spike in the sales of Tums, the American people know they can always turn to cable news for guidance and inspiration.

For example, what happens when your spouse demands you apologize?

There is certainly no shortage of inspiration here. Spending a few hours watching CNN which, thanks to a bumper crop of rap artists and politicians is full of more pleas for forgiveness than a Mafia hit, will demonstrate how to solve your problem. It’s all in the artful application of the Seven Stages of Apology.

As a real-life example, and purely for educational purposes, the other day my wife caught me rummaging through her lingerie drawer. Oh, please. I was looking for illustrative material. For my podcast. My wife found the idea of illustrative material in a podcast somewhat hard to understand. But, she’s not in show business..

“You should be ashamed of yourself,” she said. That’s spouse talk for “You owe me an apology.” (Important Note: So is “I’m calling mother.”)

Stage One: Deny. “What did I do?” This is a well-accepted way to begin your path to an apology. If it’s good enough for presidents, corporate executives, and anyone on Page Six of the New York Post, it’s good enough for the rest of us.

The question will, invariably, provoke a response that signals what you are up against. In my case, my wife replied, ”You’re perverted.”

Stage Two: Analyze the Response. Did you, inadvertently or not, upset the other person? If you are truly in touch with your feelings the answer is always no. I’m not sure why this stage is still on the list, My advice is save time and skip it all together.

Stage Three: Get Angry. In my case, my wife was probably jonesing because there were no salacious Law & Order: SVU reruns on television that night. Is that my fault? Of course not. She knows the Netflix password.

Stage Four: Feel the Loneliness. It’s natural at this point to realize how alone you are. A person you have come to rely on for better or for worse, has deserted you. Never have you experienced such loneliness. Clearly, your life is over.

It is important to acknowledge these feelings and let them go. Some of your darkest fears will come swirling to the surface and, while I can’t tell you how to react, I would avoid laughing. I would also avoid convulsive laughing. There’s a good chance your spouse will get the wrong idea.

Stage Five: Find The Upward Turn. Nothing lasts forever, and in this step those lonely feelings ought to spark this flash of optimistic insight: You did nothing wrong.

For example, my wife could have chosen to say, “Are you looking through there so you can surprise me with a gift?” Or, “Hey, tiger, where do you keep your jockey shorts?”

Stage Six: Work Things Through. With time comes clarity. It’s been a few minutes now. What’s really going on? Obviously, your spouse made a poor choice. For instance, out of all the options available to my wife, she chose to think of me as a pervert. It was a terrible mistake.

Stage Seven: Hope. Rise above your loved one’s faults and let him or her know that you are sorry—for them. Trust that your spouse, recognizing that we all have flaws, will accept your heartfelt apology.

I chose to tell my wife, “I apologize. I’m sorry that calling me a pervert has upset you.”

Traversing the seven stages worked wonders. I won’t go into detail about my wife’s response, except to say now she owes me an apology.

Which I’ll tell her as soon as she’s back from her mother’s.