FADE IN on a typical American kitchen. If you’re familiar with those before and after cable renovation shows, this one is “before.” Two typical American housewives, Wanda and Francine, sit across the kitchen table drinking typical American coffee from typical American coffee mugs while discussing typical American housewife problems such as their husbands, the rising price of neck cream, and their husbands.
FRANCINE: THAT’S AWFUL.
WANDA: HONEY, I’M TELLING YA. ONE MINUTE EDNA’S HUSBAND IS FIXIN’ TO BUY HER THAT HEATED TOILET SEAT SHE’S ALWAYS WANTED, AND THE NEXT…
FRANCINE: AND THEY JUST CAME INTO MONEY. EDNA SAID MARVIN GOT A BIG PROMOTION.
WANDA: CHIL’, YOU DIDN’T KNOW? THAT WAS ALL AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE.
FRANCINE (tapping her forehead): MARVIN ALWAYS SEEMED A BIT FRAGILE.
WANDA: BY THE TIME HIS BOSS TOLD HIM THE TRUTH MARVIN’D ALREADY MORTGAGED THE HOUSE AND PUT HIS FUTURE SALARY INTO TRUMP UNIVERSITY STOCK.
FRANCINE: POOR EDNA.
WANDA: THAT IS THE HONEST-TO-GOD TRUTH. THE HOSPITAL, THE THERAPIST, THE XANEX…SHE’S GOT MORE BILLS THAN COLONEL SANDERS HAS SPICES.
FRANCINE: IT DOESN’T SEEM FAIR. SHE COULD LOSE EVERYTHING JUST BECAUSE HER HUSBAND STILL BELIEVES IN SANTA CLAUS. SAY, ISN’T YOUR JETHRO A BIT ON THE GULLIBLE SIDE?
WANDA: HONEY, ONCE I PUT A CHICKEN BOUILLON CUBE IN THE SHOWER HEAD, TOLD HIM HOW SEXY HE SMELLED…LIKE THIS’D BE HIS LUCKY DAY.
(She lets loose a big wink.)
WANDA: HE WENT OUT AND BOUGHT $500 IN LOTTERY TICKETS. WORTHLESS LOTTERY TICKETS.
FRANCINE: I’M NOT SURPRISED.
WANDA: OH, FESS UP. YOUR HERMAN’S JUST AS BAD.
FRANCINE (sighing): TOO TRUE. LAST YEAR, SOMEONE REPLACED HIS PHONE’S RING TONE WITH A FART SOUND, THEN CALLED HIM RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIG CLIENT MEETING. HE SWALLOWED SO MANY TUMS HE POOPED PINK. HE SPENT A WEEK FLAT ON HIS BACK.
WANDA: IN BED?
FRANCINE: ON HIS PSYCHIATRIST’S COUCH.
WANDA: THEY ARE TICKIN’ TIME BOMBS.
FRANCINE: WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
(Alex Trebek steps into the kitchen and in front of the table. He talks to the camera.)
TREBEK: LADIES, DON’T FIND YOURSELVES IN FINANCIAL TROUBLE BECAUSE YOUR HUSBAND IS AS GULLIBLE AS A TIMES SQUARE TOURIST. PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN WITH APRIL FOOL’S INSURANCE FROM THE COLONIST’S INSURANCE. PREMIUMS BEGIN AT AS LITTLE AS 35 CENTS A DAY. THERE ARE NO IQ EXAMS AND NO EMBARRASSING BACKGROUND OR SOCIAL MEDIA CHECKS. COVERAGE CANNOT BE DENIED, EVEN IF YOUR HUSBAND HAS FALLEN FOR THE OLD PLASTIC COCKROACH ON HIS BEDROOM LAMP SHADE EVERY YEAR SINCE PUBERTY. BEST OF ALL, YOUR COST CAN NEVER GO UP AND YOUR COVERAGE CAN NEVER GO DOWN. PUBLIC HUMILIATION CAN BE SO EXPENSIVE. DON’T YOU WANT TO KNOW YOU’LL BE ABLE TO STAY IN YOUR HOUSE AND KEEP YOUR CAR, YOUR KIDS, AND YOUR SPA MEMBERSHIP WHILE YOUR HUSBAND IS GETTING THE BEST AVERSION THERAPY POSSIBLE? CALL THE NUMBER AT THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SCREEN. A COLONIST’S REPRESENTATIVE IS WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU. AND DON’T FORGET TO ASK ABOUT OUR LOW-COST LIFE INSURANCE. PERFECT FOR LOVED ONES WHO MIGHT DIE OF EMBARRASSMENT. CALL THAT NUMBER NOW.
FRANCINE: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WANDA (giggling): I THINK HE SHOULD HAVE MADE THAT PITCH IN THE FORM OF A QUESTION.
TREBEK (turning to Wanda): YEAH. LIKE I’VE NEVER HEARD THAT BEFORE.
FADE OUT.
In a call center somewhere in South Dakota, phones are ringing off the hook.
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This is your best yet. I love the “April Fool’s Insurance.” You rock.
Hi Dave…
That’s awfully nice of you to say (although the paranoid guy inside me is waiting for you to jump out from behind a palm tree and yell, “April Fool”).
Glad to hear about the success of your podcast. Everyone should give it a listen. Here, I’ll make it easy. Click to visit Dave’s podcast.